ERIN: UFO + Kokomo

April 23, 2008 05:02 pm

— People, I don’t want to alarm you or make you think it is time to panic.
But now is, most definitely, the TIME TO PANIC.
They are here.
The Kokomo Hum has finally broken the sound barrier and has called extraterrestrials here, like an alien dog whistle.*
On Wednesday night, hundreds of concerned citizens phoned the local police telling them of the sheer terror and devastation of Boomgate 2008, the mysterious boom in the night sky that left many confused and at least one reporter sleeping soundly.
But don’t worry. I have woken up — in more ways than one.
Authorities will have you believe the lights in the sky were caused by F-16 airplanes from Fort Wayne or a Lyrid Meteor Shower.
Do not believe it, people. There were fireballs, hovering above the city.
Fire. Balls.**
None of these is anything to be trifled with.
I think there was a little historical tome called “War of the Worlds” that predicted this all too clearly. People, did we learn nothing from that film besides not to see Tom Cruise movies until they come out on video? Did we learn nothing from “Cocoon,” except that old people are waiting to form a chrysalis and steal your soul and/or Social Security money?
Apparently, these lessons went unheard. So when the Decepticons start crawling out of the ground and the Men in Black come for you, do not say you were not warned. Until that time, I will be hiding safely under my tinfoil hat like any sane person.
My advice? Fathers, lock up your daughters. In fact, fathers should probably lock up all their kids, because we don’t know about the alien affirmative action policies on impregnating humans.
Immediately, someone should be on Old Ben Watch, because it is not a stretch to assume visitors from another planet would be impressed with a large taxidermied steer or a giant tree stump. Who wouldn’t be? Besides, Tail-less Old Ben would be a prime target for probing.
Our only hope is that the aliens will be so enamored of our city that they will spare us. (Who will have the last laugh when the roundabouts and flowers save our lives?!)
And if we hear another sonic boom tonight, I suggest looking at Sherrill’s Eat Here and Get Gas. Even aliens get hungry.

— Erin Shultz
[friday] editor / proud she did not use the word “Uranus” in this column.

* Patent pending, the “UF-Oh, My Ears” (TM) should be available in stores by first quarter 2009.
** You know what else was has balls of fire? Jerry Lee Lewis. (His, I’ve been told, were great). Also: The syndicated television show “Charmed.” And we all know any show that featured Shannon Doherty was something evil and not of this world.