Published: April 12, 2008 05:41 pm            

VASICEK: Limerence and decisions

Spring is a time for change. People-helping professionals and poets have long marveled at the human wonder called “Spring Fever.” Many folks seemingly grow tired of the status quo and develop an unusual appetite for change in the spring. If you do not believe in Spring Fever, ask a teacher. The kids bounce off the walls.

Although calculated change can be a good thing, many people make decisions while in a state of emotional intoxication. I call this the “limerence principle.”

The term limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1977. The term defines falling in love, a crush, or puppy love. Limerence works havoc on our emotions and inhibits our ability to reason.

According to Wikipedia, “It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity ... experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair ...” I call it an example of emotional intoxication. Leading authority Dr. Richard Restak (“The New Brain”) documents this unsurprising phenomenon: When friends ask us for advice, the reasoning parts of our brains light up. But if the situation involves us (or someone close to us), the emotional parts of our brain light up. The implication is clear: The advice our friends give can be more reasonable than what we feel in our hearts.

Unfortunately, many people choose a mate on the basis of mere limerence. Since limerence is intoxicating, our ability to reason becomes diminished. What happens to such relationships when people sober up?

Love songs are not usually about the deeper love that produces golden wedding anniversaries; they are about limerence. When limerence has run its course, we have another set of songs, typified by “The Thrill is Gone.” It is tragic when relationships are built upon limerence alone.

The intoxicating aspects of love may provide us with some of the most memorable times of life, but limerence coupled with a deeper, richer love pays greater dividends. Like a temporary tooth filling, limerence is replaced with a permanent precious metal.

Psychologist Dr. Bob Barnes has authored a book titled, “Prepare Your Child for Dating.” In this practical volume, Barnes suggests parents give this assignment to their pre-teens (supplying a spiral notebook).

On page one, they are instructed to write the minimal qualifications for someone they would marry (e.g., same religious faith, doesn’t take drugs, holds down a job, honest, etc.). This page should have only a few of the most important qualities. Page two is the place for preferred but not absolutely necessary qualities (doesn’t smoke, neat appearance, etc.). Page three is for the icing on the cake (likes my hobbies, etc.). Then, when teens become old enough to date, they retrieve that book. Dates with individuals who do not meet the criteria of page one are ruled out beforehand. Parents need to teach this principle: “Every date a potential mate.”

But the limerence principle can be extended beyond the realm of love. Many people seem to make decisions on the basis of limerence-like feelings. Change itself brings emotional intoxication. If we look into a new job, its newness lures us and intoxicates us; we may be quitting the better for the lesser, but we are excited – for a time. If we look for a new home, we may extend ourselves to the breaking point (a major cause of our current recession). Good salespersons understand this. We end up believing that new vacuum cleaner is going to dramatically improve our lives. Politicians exploit the limerence principle: Come election day, the majority of Americans are pumped up about their new leaders. But how long does this last?

As a pastor, I have seen many people switch churches (usually during spring), gleeful and enthusiastic about their new church home. Almost all lose their initial enthusiasm over time, and many express regret. So what is my advice? When decisions involve us personally, we are handicapped. We must therefore choose to be guided by principle rather than feeling. We should consult trusted friends outside the situation. And watch out for Spring Fever.

Ed Vasicek is pastor of Highland Park Church and a weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune.

        

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