Published: May 10, 2009 11:31 pm      

WOLFSIE: Crash course

The first tip was to order items that are less expensive. My wife was working late, but I called her at the office because I didn’t want to take a chance on forgetting this earth-shaking news.

If I had only realized the steak and shrimp platter was pricier than the deep-fried chicken planks, who knows how much I could have saved? The station also reported that you can save money by ordering tap water instead of a triple dirty vodka martini. Why was I never told about this?

Then the other night, another must-see segment – are you sitting down? You’d better be, because the story was about the increasing number of people who end up in emergency rooms ... because they trip over their pets.

The news lacked the kind of in-depth analysis that I have been trained to do as a crack reporter. Inexplicably, all pets in the study were lumped together – which makes them easier to trip over – preventing you from making an intelligent pet purchase.

If no one has bothered to take the time at the emergency room to record whether patients stumbled over a hermit crab or an Irish wolfhound, the result is just another bunch of useless statistics.

I have stumbled over my dog many times, and I am always struck by the look Toby gives me as I crash head first into my oak night stand. Mark Twain once said: “Even a dog knows the difference between being kicked and being tripped over.”

I think this is true because I sense from my beagle’s expression that, if he could talk, he’d be saying, Walk much? I once had a cocker spaniel that I also continually became entangled with. His expression seemed to say, Have a nice trip? I finally gave the pooch away.

No dog of mine is going to spout cliches while my head is lodged in the mahogany credenza.

How many people trip over their pets? This year the number hit 86,000 emergency room admissions. This is already about 85,500 more than swine flu admissions, but the CDC (Committee for Dog Collisions) has tried to conceal these numbers for fear that people will hide in their bedrooms while their Chihuahua is lying in wait, just panting for a chance to assist them in breaking their patella.

The problem may be related to the economy. It’s not just humans who are worried about the worldwide financial crisis. Many dogs are having trouble getting their 14 hours a night. They lie awake fretting about where their next meal is coming from.

Canines walk the house in the dark, only to run head and leg into their owner who is pacing the halls, already upside down on his car loan, and now about to be upside down on his coffee table.

Even cats, historically uninterested in global monetary issues, are getting more under foot lately. But most feline-related admissions are due to owners putting one foot in the kitty litter and then doing a split worthy of Julianne Hough on “Dancing with the Stars.”

As a result of the story on TV, I am now paranoid that my dog and cat hold secret meetings each night, hashing out a devious plan to weave between my legs as I am gingerly making my way up the stairs to my office with a bagel and hot cup of coffee.

We are all concerned about coming down with the swine flu, but here’s the truth: There is a better chance you’ll trip over your potbellied pig.

Dick Wolfsie is an on-air personality at WISH-TV Channel 8 and weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.