Published: July 26, 2009 11:54 pm      

WOLFSIE: Stupid is as stupid does!

Sometimes when I get into a verbal scrap with a friend, he’ll say: “What makes you think you’re so smart?” It’s a good question. The truth is that I am incredibly dense about so many things. And I feel like it’s getting worse every day.

I used to understand movies, but ever since “The Sound of Music,” I’ve been perpetually perplexed. Even that movie confused me a little. Why was everyone singing in the middle of a war?

Lately – since l972 – I haven’t felt very smart. When I graduated from college, there were about 7 million books I hadn’t had a chance to read. Now it’s probably up to 8 million and I feel like I am falling farther behind every day.

I never tell anyone what book I’m reading because I’m scared to death they’ll ask what it’s about. I just finished a bestseller by Steven Pinker, the Harvard neuro-linguistics professor who has written an insightful look at how language affects our daily lives. Right now you pretty much know as much about the book as I do and I spent a month plowing through it. Maybe you went to a movie, instead. I wish I had thought of that. And maybe you could have explained the ending to me.

My family is going to Europe this summer and I rented recorded books from the library about Greek and Roman history. I’ve listened to this particular CD three times in the car and all I remember is that, um, er – seriously, I can’t remember one thing. I ended up renting “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” so now I’m not totally ignorant about that part of the world.

One thing I have learned is that the best way to convince people to help you get by day to day and to forgive your inadequacies is to boldly admit that you are a little thick about things, even if you have to pretend. And if you really are stupid, well, that’s even better.

I used to take this holier than thou, smart as a whip attitude with customer service people. I wanted them to know they couldn’t put anything over on me.

“Mr. Wolfsie, this is Fifth-Third Bank. It looks like you are overdrawn.”

“That’s impossible. I took advantage of a three-day lapse between when I pay a bill and when the funds clear. This is legal under Indiana Statute and the guidelines your institution published. I wasn’t born yesterday. What do you think you are trying to pull?”

“Well, excuse me for working here for 25 years, Mr. big newspaper columnist, Dick Wolfsie. Policy is policy. And according to that policy I will deduct $25 from your account. Have a nice day.”

That’s what used to happen. Now here’s my new approach:

“I am so ignorant about these things. Forgive me for being such a dolt. I wouldn’t blame you if you penalized me twice – once for being overdrawn and once for just being so incredibly spacey.”

“Oh, Sir, don’t be so hard on yourself. Life is too short. We all make mistakes. Here, I’ll just transfer the money from your other account. No penalty. You just have a wonderful day. And this time, I mean it.”

Yes, playing dumb has really been an effective technique, helping me to navigate a complex world with a simple mind. People feel sorry for me and want to show their own competence. I could give you some additional tips on how to make other people do things for you, too, but why give away all my secrets for free? I’m not stupid, you know.

• Dick Wolfsie is an on-air personality at WISH-TV Channel 8 and weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.