Kokomo Tribune; Kokomo, Indiana

Columns

December 17, 2012

Wolfsie: Searching for what isn’t lost

At 10:43 p.m. last Wednesday night,  I realized I was missing the following items:

1. My garage door opener

2. My keys

3. My reading glasses

4. Christmas presents for my wife

This is the most lost I’ve ever had. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. How about: This is the most that I have ever had lost. Good enough.

I usually post a list on my refrigerator of the things in my life that are presently missing. Then I check each one off as I find it. This gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I am one of the world’s biggest losers, but once I admitted to myself what a loser I was, I knew I had truly found myself — one of the few things, by the way, not lost at 10:43 p.m. last Wednesday night.

THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER: The way I get into my house from the car is through the garage. And I’d have no reason to bring the garage door opener with me when I got out of the car. Ergo (whatever, that means), the garage door opener must still have been in the car. I raced out to the garage, threw open the doors to my SUV and scoured every inch. I never found it. So, now when I get home, I have to get out of the car in the driveway, go around to the side door of the garage, go inside and hit the wall switch, then get back in the car, drive into the garage and close the door, again with the wall switch. This is inconvenient, but at least I know the opener has to be in the car. So it’s not lost. I crossed “garage door opener” off my list.

MY CAR KEYS: I looked for my car keys for two hours. I couldn’t find them. I then applied a similar logic to that of the missing garage door opener. First, I observed that I was home. I further noted that just the day before, I was somewhere else. Then I did that ergo thing again and realized that the only way to get from where I was to my house was in my car. Once again a great weight was lifted (I wish it had been the garage door) and I knew my car keys had to be in the house. I repeated this story to my cab driver all day Thursday as he drove me around town and he did find it mildly amusing. He also found days like this very profitable. Apparently, he has a dozen customers who claim they haven’t lost their keys, just like I hadn’t. I crossed keys off my list.

MY READING GLASSES: Once again, I applied inescapable deductive reasoning to my dilemma. I can’t read a lick without my glasses, but I remembered just hours earlier enjoying a Time magazine article about the TV hit “Homeland.” So, my glasses were not lost at all; they had to be somewhere in the house. If only I could see, I would be able to find them. The third item was then crossed off.

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR MY WIFE: I shopped early this holiday season and then hid everything. Now I can’t find the cashmere scarf or the wool sweater I bought her back in November. I did find the watch and the fuzzy slippers I stashed in the back of my closet, but those were her gifts for last year. I always buy her the exact items she wants, but it looks like this Christmas I’m a year behind. Maybe I’m just losing it.

Dick Wolfsie is an on-air personality at WISH-TV Channel 8 and weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.

1
Text Only | Photo Reprints
Columns
  • STATE SEN. JIM BUCK: Changes pave way to a brighter future In recent legislative sessions, Indiana has enacted substantial policy reforms that resulted in greater economic freedom and stronger economic growth. Economic growth has real implications for Hoosier families: jobs for those unemployed; promotions f

    April 24, 2014

  • JEFFREY McCALL: U.S. networks struggle to cover economic news Network television newsrooms often must cover stories for which they have no internal experts. That's why aeronautic engineers and pilots are put on the air to analyze airplane emergencies. Judges and lawyers are paraded out to discuss whatever sensa

    April 24, 2014

  • Rob Burgess House of Burgess: You've gotta keep 'em separated

    In my career as a journalist I have served my time reporting on city council, county supervisor and state regulatory meetings, to name just a few. Whatever else they might have been, they weren’t holy places. In the many, many hours I spent there I never felt the presence of anything that might be described as transcendent or spiritual.

    April 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • ANDREA NEAL: A committee of 10 picked Ind. capital Editor's note: This is one in a series of essays leading up to the celebration of the Indiana Bicentennial in December 2016. Anyone who's ever served on a committee can relate to the old laugh line: A committee is a group of people who keep minutes a

    April 23, 2014

  • MAUREEN HAYDEN: Judge in gay marriage decision is no activist When U.S. District Judge Richard Young recently ruled in favor of a lesbian couple seeking recognition of their out-of-state marriage, opponents of same-sex unions called him an activist judge who was unilaterally trampling the law. The label didn't

    April 22, 2014

  • TOM LoBIANCO: Turner ethics case tests bounds of 'citizen legislature' When a legislative ethics panel meets this week to review the case of House Speaker Pro Tem Eric Turner, members could have trouble finding clear-cut answers, in large part because of the Indiana General Assembly's status as a "citizen legislature."

    April 22, 2014

  • Cleaning up Indiana could be as easy as a bottle deposit Scan the roadside on a drive through the Wabash Valley, and you might spot an empty pop bottle or two. Or two dozen. Or 200. Drink bottles have become our litter du jour. They compose an estimated 40 to 60 percent of all litter, according to the Mich

    April 21, 2014

  • Wolfsie: High-tech got you down? I love where I bank. It’s a branch inside of a big supermarket. I can make a modest withdrawal and then go and blow every last penny in the cookie aisle. The tellers at the window appreciate me. They know about my obsession with round numbers and und

    April 21, 2014

  • Vasicek: Celebrating Easter I have shared a few bits of Easter humor over the years, so I thought I’d start with a new one. Joseph of Arimathea was the wealthy Pharisee who is famous for helping to bury the body of Jesus. He procured the body, asking Pilate’s permission, and, w

    April 20, 2014

  • DAY: God trusted us with them Well, you heard about my wife and I, and our families from the past, so it is time for me to tell you about two of the prettiest girls I have ever known. They are our daughters Debbie and Patty. They are the greatest gifts from God that we have had i

    April 19, 2014

Latest news
Featured Ads
Only on our website
AP Video
US Proposes Pay-for-priority Internet Standards Wife Mourns Chicago Doctor Killed in Afghanistan FDA Proposes Regulations on E-cigarettes Kerry Warns Russia of Expensive New Sanctions Mideast Peace Talks Stall on Hamas Deal Cody Walker Remembers His Late Brother Paul Grieving South Korea Puts Up Yellow Ribbons Raw: Kerry Brings His Dog to Work Raw: Girls Survive Car Crash Into Their Bedroom Three U.S. Doctors Killed by Afghan Security Yankees' Pineda Suspended 10 Games for Pine Tar Colleagues Mourn Death of Doctors in Afghanistan Ukraine Launches Operation Against Insurgents Obama Reassures Japan on China Raw: Car Crashes Into San Antonio Pool Time Magazine Announces Top Influencers List Raw: Angry Relatives Confront SKorea Officials Bigger Riders Means Bigger Horses Out West Yankees Pineda Ejected for Pine Tar Deadly Fungus Killing Bats, Spreading in US
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Obituaries
Poll
Kelly Lafferty's video on Tom Miller