Kokomo Tribune; Kokomo, Indiana

Features

December 19, 2013

Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again

Q: My 6-year-old daughter has recently learned to say "You're hurting my feelings." This is part of her school's anti-bullying program. The problem is, she's now saying it to me when I discipline her. What should I say to her? In exasperation I've said "You hurt my feelings when you disobey me." That seems to have some, admittedly small, effect. I hope you have a better idea.

A: The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again! Over the past few years, a good number of parents have told me that their kids, when disciplined, complain of hurt feelings. The mystery as to the origin of this epidemic is solved!

A very wise man once said words to this effect, "Proper discipline never feels good at the time, but results in all manner of good in the long run." In other words, discipline is not corrective if it does not feel "bad" to the person receiving it. It should "hurt" not harm or abuse, just not feel good. That emotional memory is what deters future missteps of the same sort. So, don't concern yourself with your daughter's complaint.

A proper response to her complaint is "That means you heard me. Good." And then walk away. Do not turn this into an exchange. If you don't give credence to her complaint, she will stop making it.

Q: Over the past year, the relationship between our 14-year-old son and his sisters has deteriorated markedly and is causing major problems in our family. He won't speak to them and says he hates them. He's also become very disrespectful toward me, Mom. His sisters say they want to be on good terms with him, but he rejects any attempt on their part to improve the relationship. He makes decent grades in school and has several friends he's pals with. He plays video games and sports but appears not to care about his appearance or hygiene. Church is a major part of our lives, but he's started to complain bitterly about attending with us and even participating in youth activities. Suggestions?

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Features
  • Remote solutions 1 Remote solutions Remote controls, designed to make life easier and more convenient, have become so numerous in many homes that keeping track of them is a challenge all its own. There are often separate remotes for the TV, DVD player, cable box and sound system. And i

    July 31, 2014 2 Photos

  • Sometimes it's the parents, not the child, who need fixing I absolutely love it when people begin to realize that the problems they're having with a child are of their own making; when they begin to realize, in other words, that the child is not the problem. They are! All this time (however long that might b

    July 31, 2014

  • Film Review Guardians of the Galaxy 2 Chris Pratt enters a new 'Galaxy' NEW YORK — After Chris Pratt tweeted a shirtless photo of himself to flaunt the shape he had gotten into for “Zero Dark Thirty,” he received, he says, a “giant ball of criticism” from his friends. It also helped land him the lead in one of the summer

    July 30, 2014 3 Photos

  • New Amish Cook introduces her family

    There's nothing quite like eating that first corn on the cob, spotting a red tomato for the first time or picking that tiny cucumber that hasn't quite matured yet.

    July 28, 2014

  • Gardening-Tiny Vegetables [Duplicate] Tiny vegetables Truman Capote famously told friends that the very wealthy eat better vegetables — tiny ones. So there's another plus for gardening: It's easier to eat the way the super-rich do. Not that smaller is always better in the world of vegetables. A cucumber

    July 28, 2014 1 Photo

  • McCauley 02 Half a Century and Happy: The McCauleys Galveston High School freshman James “Jim” McCauley showed he had a crush on eighth-grader Carlis VerBryck by tormenting her. He would see her in the hallway, pull the sashes in her dress, and run away. Carlis was not impressed. “I was pretty aggrava

    July 27, 2014 2 Photos

  • CARSON: Be strong in the Lord You may ask, “Brother Mike what is the point of my being faithful to God? It appears as if I am not gaining any ground. I’m faced with ‘drama,’ setbacks, heartache, illness, issues, negativity, pressure, being lied upon and talked about. I am a tithe

    July 26, 2014

  • Teens Doping [Duplicate] The rise in teen doping NEW YORK (AP) — Experimentation with human growth hormones by America's teens more than doubled in the past year, as more young people looked to drugs to boost their athletic performance and improve their looks, according to a new, large-scale nation

    July 26, 2014 1 Photo

  • NYC Stacked Apartments-15 [Duplicate] Erasing the pre-fab stigma NEW YORK (AP) — In a city piled high with ambitious architecture, a seven-floor structure off the beaten path boasts a distinction of its own: It's billed as the first multistory, modular-built apartment building to open in the nation's apartment cap

    July 24, 2014 2 Photos

  • ROSEMOND: Night training a toddler

    Q: Using your advice, I successfully toilet-trained my daughter by age 16 months. It is now three months later and we are still using diapers at naps and nighttime. At her nap, which lasts several hours, she fully soaks her diaper. At night

    July 24, 2014

Latest news
Featured Ads
Only on our website
AP Video
Texas Scientists Study Ebola Virus Smartphone Powered Paper Plane Debuts at Airshow Southern Accent Reduction Class Cancelled in TN Raw: Deadly Landslide Hits Indian Village Obama Chides House GOP for Pursuing Lawsuit New Bill Aims to Curb Sexual Assault on Campus Russia Counts Cost of New US, EU Sanctions 3Doodler Bring 3-D Printing to Your Hand Six PA Cops Indicted for Robbing Drug Dealers Britain Testing Driverless Cars on Roadways Raw: Thousands Flocking to German Crop Circle At Least 20 Chikungunya Cases in New Jersey Raw: Obama Eats Ribs in Kansas City In Virginia, the Rise of a New Space Coast Raw: Otters Enjoy Water Slides at Japan Zoo NCAA Settles Head-injury Suit, Will Change Rules Raw: Amphibious Landing Practice in Hawaii Raw: Weapons Fire Hits UN School in Gaza Raw: Rocket Launches Into Space With Cargo Ship Broken Water Main Floods UCLA
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Obituaries
Poll
Kelly Lafferty's video on Tom Miller