“She’s really trying these?”
“Isn’t this the sauce that that one dude took a shot of for 30 bucks?”
“I want to watch this one.”
Then moments later, my eyes started watering before this straight-to-the-tomb finger food was in my peripheral vision.
There they were, in all their innocent-glory packaged with the raging ruination of my taste buds.
I became prepared, bartender Toni handed me a glass of water served with a facial reaction that said: “This girl is nuts, and I get a front row seat to whatever happens next.” She reached her arm out slowly to lower the water in front of me, indicating that there is a legitimate reason for her cautionary approach.
Simultaneously I hear from the kitchen, “Water is not going to help her.”
Well, crap. Here we go, folks.
12:06 p.m.: Bite into an edible object that tastes like an entire oven. OH.MY.GOSH. [That’s at least the the professionally appropriate response, so I’m stickin’ to it].
12:06 to 12:08: I have no clue what happened. Seriously, no clue.
12:09: Bartender Toni, “Look at that face!” She automatically refills my water, as my body is expelling fluids through my forehead and my eyes. I lost my left contact during this ordeal. Yes, my left contact fell out. I couldn’t touch my face because it was covered in the nonsense that had engulfed every pore of my body and was simultaneously breathing out fire. At this moment, I looked a lot like that fire-breathing dragon in Shrek. But, not smiling.
12:10: Thoughts: OH DEAR LORD, IT’S GETTING WORSE!!! You think it’ll only last a few seconds, think again. There’s this moment where it subsides, but it’s like the quiet before the storm. It’s like your body is saying, “Oh, you fool. You thought this would be a good story…” right before your nervous system sets your lips on fire, makes your eyes water more, then the nose runs. Try to wipe your nose with the back of your hand out of desperation? -- By the way, if you’re judging my lack of manners right now… Yea, you forget your own name during this. So, don’t judge. Think again, NOW your nose is on fire too. Try to wipe your tears? Think again, that little patch of your face will be reminding you just how ridiculous you are when it’s still simmering 10 minutes later.
12:11: I Googled how to survive such a task, in case this moment happened. I found that what happens next wasn’t as helpful as my Google results said it would be. “Milllkkkkk, please.” And, there you have it. I’m a 27-year-old. At a bar. Drinking milk.