I flew to Portland, Ore., this week to hang with a friend who moved there a few years back.
He works for an airline, so he hooked me up with a killer discount on my tickets. The only catch was I had to fly out of Chicago O’Hare.
Problem was I had to travel alone, so I had to make the 175-mile drive by myself. If you remember from last week, I don’t sit still well. And this would be almost 4 solid hours of nowhere to go, nothing to do and no one to talk to.
By the time I got to Illinois, I was talking to inanimate objects, passing motorists and myself.
Here’s a rough estimation of how the last 40 miles of my trip went in a mile-by-mile breakdown. I should clarify that the Kate mentioned below is the British woman giving me directions. The GPS device assigns her a name, which I think is creepy. But I also find it rude to not address her by name since she obviously has one.
Billboard: The Prince Experience now at Blue Chip Casino.
Me: You know, there are some experiences that don’t need to happen to me. That is one of them. I’ll pass.
Kate: In 2 miles, take the first left and then stay left.
Kate: In 1 mile, take the first left and stay left.
Me: I heard you the first time, Kate.
Kate: In 245 yards, take --
Me: Shut up, Kate! I’m sick of you telling me what to do!
Ad on the side of a construction business: Home of the stress-proof and fatigue-proof ...
Me: Can I move in?
Billboard advertising new app called “Road Ninja.”
Me: “Ninja Warrior!” (In my best Ninja accent.)