Kokomo Tribune; Kokomo, Indiana

May 2, 2014

[friday]: Just a weedle problem

Kokomo Tribune

---- — What exactly makes a weed a weed?

I’m serious. I’m no gardener. About all I know is that dandelions are weeds (despite their flowers) and hostas are not (despite having no flowers). So, kudos to the volunteers during Green and Clean Day in downtown Logansport. The ones who help with gardening are smarter than I am.

There’s one thing I do know, though: The earlier you pull weeds, the better. I figured that out last summer when I found myself chopping my way through a jungle to get to the garden hose spigot.

Have you ever tried to pull a jungle’s roots from the ground? It’s no walk in the park, let me tell you.

So when I looked at my front lawn last week and saw the grass getting greener, I first wondered if I’d been transported to the other side of the fence. Then I came to my senses and realized that it’s time to start yanking poor growing things from their home in the soil.

Problem is, of course, I don’t know exactly what to yank at.

The process goes like this. Is it in the middle of the lawn? Yes? Then who cares? The mower will kill it.

Is it a dandelion? Yes? Yank it and start drawing pictures on your arm with the pollen. Or make some salad.

Is it under a bush in the mulched part? Yes? Yank it. It’s going to die from lack of sunlight anyway, and I’m bound and determined not to turn my landscaping into a plant cemetery.

That takes care of most of the weeds, or what I assume are weeds. (I can never be sure, even about the dandelions.)

The rest are kind of questionable. I have a few things with petals sprouting up that I’m pretty sure are not weeds.

Hostas, for example. My house is surrounded by hostas. If hostas were a branch of the U.S. government, they’d be the FBI. And the FBI aren’t weeds, so by simple deduction, hostas aren’t either. Are they?

And then there’s this tall kind of flower leaf that started sprouting next to my kitchen door. At least I’m pretty sure it’s a flower. Maybe it’s the CIA posing as a flower.

I swear I’m not paranoid.

– Sarah Einselen

Friday columnist / No really, I’m not