Kokomo Tribune; Kokomo, Indiana


September 13, 2013

Not winning at Whoppers


After finishing Lear’s interview, it was go time. I slipped into latex gloves with some notes of advice from Lear, “Those have a lot of powder in them, it’ll get all over your clothes when you take them off,” her slate-black Dickies, dusted with white in some areas, had the proof.

Her petite frame stood in front of the metal counter, hands gloved, mind focused, then done. Seriously, 14 seconds later there was a BK Whopper wrapped and waiting for its customer.

Then, it was my turn. Here’s how that went:

Lear laid out the two buns for me, the two of them vertically aligned.

The seconds hand cued my send-off into Whopper-building-warrior mode, when it landed on the 9.

Bam, there’s the mayo.

“Oh, that’s the wrong bun,” Lear said.

Bam, there’s the mayo again; other bun this time.

Pickin’ up the lettuce with the tongs, Woo! Woo! (I never said any of this aloud, by the way; I’m trying to make a Whopper not win a “Bro-talking” contest).

“Oh, that’s the wrong bun and you don’t have to use the tongs,” Lear said as we laughed at my already-lacking line skills.

Then, I started to move on and almost forgot the hamburger. Calling the little old lady from Wendy’s now, because I just about provoked a literal “Where’s-the-beef?!” moment.

“You can use the tongs to get the hamburger out of the drawer up there,” Lear said, preventing the possibility of a lettuce-tomato-onion sandwich; it’d at least cut a few cals.

Welp, there goes the meat – Welcome back, Wendy’s lady – because I just split the burger in two.

Note: When making a Whopper, go easy with the tongs; it’s better when half the hamburger doesn’t get pinched off. Plus, it helps your scored time when you’re not trying to piece a hamburger back together on a sesame bun, which is what I was doing.

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