Kokomo Tribune; Kokomo, Indiana

Opinion

August 19, 2013

Wolfsie: Finally, the last laugh

It was Friday night and I had been at it for almost six minutes. "At your age, I'm not sure your heart can take this," said my wife. Then to show how concerned she was, Mary Ellen burst out laughing.Achoo! If I had known it was this easy to get such an appreciative response, I'd have sneezed 35 times in a row a lot earlier in our marriage. Here I am, every week, trying to write this column and the most I hope for is a smile and an approving nod. With any luck, I'll then be granted a solid B for my endeavors. But my persistent sternutation (that's sneezing) was, for some reason, a source of great merriment, far outweighing my fall last week down a full flight of stairs while I was vacuuming. In fairness to my wife, before the guffawing there is a brief span of time while she confirms I have not broken my spine or suffered a head trauma. Then let the fun begin.As a student of slapstick comedy, I'd say a vacuum cleaner with a long hose is an excellent prop to accompany a pratfall, especially if you are backing up at the time and you then pinwheel down the steps. FYI: The more 360s you do, the better, and be sure to land squarely on your butt — especially if you are also looking to bring sheer joy into the life of your significant other.Achoo! (Number 36), although in all honesty this is just an estimate, because you don't start counting sneezes until you realize it may be the beginning of a historic run, and then it may be too late to get an accurate count. I don't feel this way about hiccups, where I begin a careful tally from the very first one, hoping to break an old record of 52 set in college in 1968 when I hiccupped through my entire American Poetry final.Achoo! (Number 37) and now Mary Ellen was wiping away the tears, asking me if there was possibly some grass stuck up my nose. At least I think that's what she said. It was hard to understand her. However, in 33 years of marriage, that would have been the first inquiry of this nature. And we grew up in the '60s.Achoo! (Number 38) and we were nearing a point where my wife's side was starting to ache. I wondered if her reaction to my situation had now equaled her hysterical response to my walking into a glass door at the Haversticks' or banging my head under the kitchen sink after fixing the garbage disposal.Achoo! (Number 39) and my sneezes were now more closely spaced which meant that poor Mary Ellen had virtually no time to breathe and was gasping for air. I felt bad for her. She had been having such a good time.Achoo! (Number 40), but at that sneeze, I sensed a slight decline in her enjoyment of my predicament. Then I made the mistake of asking for a Kleenex. She handed me one of those tiny squares from a little package in her purse and for some reason this made her start laughing all over again.There was no 41st sneeze. Calm reigned in the Wolfsie home. I wanted to watch a movie on cable so I picked an old favorite: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Mary Ellen went upstairs to read. She said she wasn't in the mood to laugh.Dick Wolfsie is a television news reporter, syndicated humor columnist and author. He can be reached at Wolfsie@aol.com.

1
Text Only | Photo Reprints
Opinion
  • The progress we're making Every Howard County school district published an annual report in Tuesday's edition of the Kokomo Tribune. They're required by the Indiana Department of Education, and they're worth a read. The reports assembled the most recent data available on stud

    April 23, 2014

  • Rob Burgess House of Burgess: You've gotta keep 'em separated

    In my career as a journalist I have served my time reporting on city council, county supervisor and state regulatory meetings, to name just a few. Whatever else they might have been, they weren’t holy places. In the many, many hours I spent there I never felt the presence of anything that might be described as transcendent or spiritual.

    April 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • ANDREA NEAL: A committee of 10 picked Ind. capital Editor's note: This is one in a series of essays leading up to the celebration of the Indiana Bicentennial in December 2016. Anyone who's ever served on a committee can relate to the old laugh line: A committee is a group of people who keep minutes a

    April 23, 2014

  • LETTERS: Correct mistakes May 6; RNC & pals Voting mistakes can be corrected May 6 For the last several months, it seems that I keep hearing one recurring conversation. People cannot believe the arrogance being shown by some of our elected officials towards the people of Tipton County. The sam

    April 23, 2014

  • Take a stand this election Howard County Clerk Kim Wilson's office always is busy this time of year -- but more so before an election. Absentee voting for the May 6 primary election began April 8. We, too, expect more activity. We soon will receive an avalanche of candidate en

    April 22, 2014

  • MAUREEN HAYDEN: Judge in gay marriage decision is no activist When U.S. District Judge Richard Young recently ruled in favor of a lesbian couple seeking recognition of their out-of-state marriage, opponents of same-sex unions called him an activist judge who was unilaterally trampling the law. The label didn't

    April 22, 2014

  • TOM LoBIANCO: Turner ethics case tests bounds of 'citizen legislature' When a legislative ethics panel meets this week to review the case of House Speaker Pro Tem Eric Turner, members could have trouble finding clear-cut answers, in large part because of the Indiana General Assembly's status as a "citizen legislature."

    April 22, 2014

  • April 22, 2014: Letters to the editor Tipton incorporated earlier than known? A Nickel Plate Trail sign was recently put up in the northwest corner of the Tipton County Courthouse lawn. The center circle wording states the town of Tipton was founded in 1833, which is eleven years before

    April 22, 2014

  • Cleaning up Indiana could be as easy as a bottle deposit Scan the roadside on a drive through the Wabash Valley, and you might spot an empty pop bottle or two. Or two dozen. Or 200. Drink bottles have become our litter du jour. They compose an estimated 40 to 60 percent of all litter, according to the Mich

    April 21, 2014

  • Doctors Brown and Bucshon become seekers Seated across the table from me at Cafe Patachou were Drs. Tim Brown and Larry Bucshon. Dr. Bucshon was a heart surgeon from Newburgh. Dr. Brown is an emergency room physician from Crawfordsville. What made this breakfast meeting extraordinary is tha

    April 21, 2014

Featured Ads
Only on our website
AP Video
SKorea Ferry Toll Hits 156, Search Gets Tougher Video Shows Possible Syrian Gas Attack Cubs Superfans Celebrate Wrigley's 100th Raw: Cattle Truck Overturns in Texas Admirers Flock to Dole During Kansas Homecoming Raw: Erupting Volcanoes in Guatemala and Peru Alibaba IPO Could Be Largest Ever for Tech Firm FBI Joining Probe of Suburban NY 'Swatting' Call U.S. Paratroopers in Poland, Amid Ukraine Crisis US Reviews Clemency for Certain Inmates Raw: Violence Erupts in Rio Near Olympic Venue Raw: Deadly Bombing in Egypt Raw: What's Inside a Commercial Jet Wheel Well Raw: Obama Arrives in Japan for State Visit Raw: Anti-Obama Activists Fight Manila Police Motels Near Disney Fighting Homeless Problem Michigan Man Sees Thanks to 'bionic Eye' S.C. Man Apologizes for Naked Walk in Wal-Mart Chief Mate: Crew Told to Escape After Passengers
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Obituaries
Poll