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Opinion

November 11, 2013

Wolfsie: Not the end of the world

The big story this past month is not that one of our big stars (Miley Cyrus) is twerking, but that one of our medium-sized stars may someday stop working. I am talking about our sun, but Miley’s prospects for future employment might also be dimming.

This end-of-the-world prediction comes courtesy of astro-biologist Andrew Rushby, a PhD candidate at the University of East Anglia in Great Britain, where life already ended unofficially for fellow students three weeks ago when the administration began prohibiting drinking Guinness in the college dorms.

Rushby used what he calls “classic models” to help make his futuristic predictions. Here are a few examples of what those models suggested about the timing of the demise of the sun:

Kathy Ireland: 1.5 billion years

Claudia Schiffer: 2.3 billion years

Tyra Banks: 3.5 billion years

Averaging it all, Rushby’s final conclusion is that earth will be uninhabitable somewhere between 1.75 billion and 3.25 billion years from now. At first, this prediction really scared me because I thought it said a million years. Whew! Rushby, who first trained as a meteorologist, is also saying that the final day the earth exists, whenever it is, will be cloudy with scattered showers and a really good chance of record heat. Yes, it’s hard to imagine complete and total desolation. Think Antarctica in the winter or MCL at 9 p.m. By the way, it’s going to happen on a Friday, so dress casual.

How exactly will it all end? This British scientist claims that “high temperatures will lead to more evaporation, creating unbearable humidity, and ending finally in catastrophic scorching.” By the way, this is also how people die in a tanning salon. There is some good news. Rushby says that if we are good stewards of the Earth we could squeeze out an extra weekend or two, which may not seem like much, but for those on spring break that year, that’s really a huge difference.

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