By Dick Wolfsie
At 10:43 p.m. last Wednesday night, I realized I was missing the following items:
1. My garage door opener
2. My keys
3. My reading glasses
4. Christmas presents for my wife
This is the most lost I’ve ever had. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. How about: This is the most that I have ever had lost. Good enough.
I usually post a list on my refrigerator of the things in my life that are presently missing. Then I check each one off as I find it. This gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I am one of the world’s biggest losers, but once I admitted to myself what a loser I was, I knew I had truly found myself — one of the few things, by the way, not lost at 10:43 p.m. last Wednesday night.
THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER: The way I get into my house from the car is through the garage. And I’d have no reason to bring the garage door opener with me when I got out of the car. Ergo (whatever, that means), the garage door opener must still have been in the car. I raced out to the garage, threw open the doors to my SUV and scoured every inch. I never found it. So, now when I get home, I have to get out of the car in the driveway, go around to the side door of the garage, go inside and hit the wall switch, then get back in the car, drive into the garage and close the door, again with the wall switch. This is inconvenient, but at least I know the opener has to be in the car. So it’s not lost. I crossed “garage door opener” off my list.
MY CAR KEYS: I looked for my car keys for two hours. I couldn’t find them. I then applied a similar logic to that of the missing garage door opener. First, I observed that I was home. I further noted that just the day before, I was somewhere else. Then I did that ergo thing again and realized that the only way to get from where I was to my house was in my car. Once again a great weight was lifted (I wish it had been the garage door) and I knew my car keys had to be in the house. I repeated this story to my cab driver all day Thursday as he drove me around town and he did find it mildly amusing. He also found days like this very profitable. Apparently, he has a dozen customers who claim they haven’t lost their keys, just like I hadn’t. I crossed keys off my list.
MY READING GLASSES: Once again, I applied inescapable deductive reasoning to my dilemma. I can’t read a lick without my glasses, but I remembered just hours earlier enjoying a Time magazine article about the TV hit “Homeland.” So, my glasses were not lost at all; they had to be somewhere in the house. If only I could see, I would be able to find them. The third item was then crossed off.
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR MY WIFE: I shopped early this holiday season and then hid everything. Now I can’t find the cashmere scarf or the wool sweater I bought her back in November. I did find the watch and the fuzzy slippers I stashed in the back of my closet, but those were her gifts for last year. I always buy her the exact items she wants, but it looks like this Christmas I’m a year behind. Maybe I’m just losing it.
Dick Wolfsie is an on-air personality at WISH-TV Channel 8 and weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.