I am not writing to ask for too much this year. I’ve pretty much got it all — a cool job, great friends and an awesome family. I know I have a lot of cool gadgets, clothes and stuff already, because it’s all spread out and evenly distributed on the floor of my apartment.
This Christmas, I’m only asking for two things, Santa:
1.) The ability to wake up when my alarm goes off. Every winter I come down with snoozebuttonitis. Yes, I’m sort of the Tiny Tim of the winter season.
Snoozebuttonitis is a neuromuscular disease that takes hold of the muscles in my right hand and causes them to spasm — sometimes for hours at a time — and hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
Consequently, I set my alarm clock earlier so that I will get enough snooze button time in before I have to get out of bed. By January, my alarm goes off about 17 minutes after I go to sleep. That gives me a good six hours of hitting the snooze button before I have to get up. Strangely enough, I don’t have very many house guests, and the ones I do will likely also write you asking for a cure to my crippling disease.
2.) The ability to wear pretty shoes and stay upright in the winter. We all know that men designed high heels so their wives couldn’t run away once they realized what they had gotten themselves into. High heels in the winter also double as instant comedy.
I know a group of guys who live in a cute little house in Indian Heights. The driveway is made of gravel, and since they don’t shovel — these guys feel they don’t need luxuries like a stove, so why would they shovel? — the whole things slicks over into a solid sheet of ice. Last week, I pulled a “Matrix”-style 360 with legs and arms flailing before landing directly on my butt.
The Russian judge robbed me and only gave me a 9, so I took home the silver medal in the Winter Walking event.
See, there are two footwear alternatives for chicks in the winter: sporting boots that look like they were meant for work on the farm or sliding along the sidewalks and risking death in attractive shoes. OK, show shoes are option three.
So, that’s it, Santa. If you have time and want to work on world peace, that’s cool. But right now, I’m hoping you’ll help me out with these two things.
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