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I was not among the millions to tune in and watch David “The Modern-day, Moderately Creepy Houdini” Blaine attempt his latest suicide. I mean stunt ... his latest stunt.

For the eight Americans who missed his “Drowned Alive” special, Blaine lived in a tank of salt water for a week only to attempt to free himself from chains as he held his breath for nine minutes.

He failed and divers had to rush in to save him after only seven minutes.

My mind is split into two distinct camps on Blaine, the same way most hippies are split between Birkenstock sandals and no shoes at all, or Tom’s natural deodorant and the scent of body odor (two strikingly similar smells).

Camp No. 1: David Blaine is not of human flesh.

The man can levitate. There’s not much more I can say. David Blaine can raise himself off the ground. Horrifying.

I think I saw a special where he just made things appear with his mind. And then another one where he turned himself into a horse. I also read he’s the only human who can bring the One Ring back to Mordor.

Anyway, during this last waterlogged stunt, people were worried Blaine’s hands and feet — which had swollen to Hamburger Helper size — might not return to normal after he had to be rescued from the salt water tank.

People, have you seen this man? He’s like a starfish. You can cut off an appendage and it’ll grow back.

Furthermore, didn’t we all learn as kids that you reap what you sow? If I hang out with Canadians, pretty soon I’ll be wearing socks with my sandals and saying “eh?” after everything. If I submerge myself in salt water for a week, I’m going to come out with the condition known as dishpan hands and some fairly severe shrinkage.

Camp No. 2: I don’t care about any of this.

There are plenty of people who do exactly what Blaine does all the time. When the 16-year-old down the block decides she’s going to lock herself in her closet for 35 hours, ABC isn’t banging down her door with sponsorships.

Many people go without food for 44 days (Ethiopians), are encased in a block of ice for 61 hours (Buffalo, N.Y., residents during winter), or are buried alive in a transparent coffin for a week (John Travolta).

We don’t watch these people on television — and in Travolta’s case, we don’t watch them in movies, either.



Erin Shultz

[friday] editor / can live in a block of ice for only 53 hours

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