Friday 1110

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They say I have an addictive personality, and it gets me into trouble.

There was that time with The Sims, and that other time with the country music, and that other time with the Thai hookers... I mean with reading. That time I was addicted to reading.

But this time, I’ve found something doctors are calling more addictive than heroin, meth and Cherry Garcia combined.

MyCrack. I mean MySpace.

As readers of this column know, I gave up television and Internet in a weird science experiment this summer. The petri dish that is my apartment was supposed to become a haven for productivity and good deeds. Since then:

Number of times I have volunteered: 1

Books I have read: 4

Number of times I have gone to a friend’s house and watched television: 83

It’s not going the way I postulated.

Anyway, after my college roommates gave me enough flack for not being on MySpace, a friend here had pity on me and let me make a page at his house. I played around on the Internet for about an hour before he said that my turn was over. Thanks, Mom.

By this point, if you don’t know what MySpace is, you’re either Pennsylvania Dutch, 83 or you don’t have old high school nemeses (nemiseses? nemiseseseses?) on whom to seek revenge. For the three people who might not know: MySpace is an online “networking” Web site that allows you to stalk, I mean catch up with your old crushes, tormentors and gym teachers instantly and anonymously, at the touch of a button. It’s not crouching in their hedges with a pair of binoculars, but it’s the next best thing.

I’m now hooked on something that I have little access to, which is both very good and very bad. I log on occasionally, when I am at a friend’s house or if I have some extra time at the library. But I want to check it all the time. I want to call in sick to work — by the say, managing editor Jeff Kovaleski, I’m feeling a little sick today *cough, cough* — and play on MySpace all day. But what’s the point? — I have no Internet. They say amputees have tingling sensations in their missing limbs. This is similar. Except, obviously, my situation is far more tragic.

I think I need some sort of substitute to wean me off the MySpace. It’ll be like MyMethadone.

The problem is, I don’t know what to substitute. I want something to broaden my horizons and expand my mind. Something to be hooked on that will benefit people as a whole. Yes, a new day is dawning. I feel less addicted already.

And if you have any suggestions on MyMethadone, feel free to post them on my MySpace page.

Until then, at least it beats Thai hookers.

I mean reading. It beats reading.

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